And once again, amazingly enough, old chrome dome was at least partially right. The large overhead monitor screen was beginning to show brilliant fiery red objects ahead. The huge number faint stars, as well as the spectacular blue-white and yellow-white stars that looked like Christmas tree lights, were being quickly left behind. The Pupa was leaving the Galaxy’s disk and was about to enter the halo. Ahead the stars were less densely packed, and almost all were red-orange or deep ruby-red. To Galaxy Man’s overheated central processing chip it looked like a huge alien army, poised to attack the unsuspecting Galaxy.
“GADZOOKS!,” cried Galaxy Man. “Our enemy is finally
in sight! I’ve waited a century for this! Battle stations!
Activate all weapons! All gum in the wastebasket! Tally Ho, Poopa!”
“Yes, my misinformed master", said Blasto with a sigh. "Did I hear you correctly?!", blurted Galaxy Man indignantly. "I just said yes, my mystical master", replied Blasto, “But I really do think we should have talked a bit more about these ‘Red Giants,’ especially in conjunction with that supernova you saw.” “What!?” moaned Galaxy Man. “Not that stuff again, Blasto! I forbid you to dither on about astronomy when the game is a foot. I mean the enemy is a head! No! Oh, confound it Blasto, THE MOTHER-OF-ALL-BATTLES is about to begin. Let’s focus, focus, FOCUS! Now where in tarnation are we, navigator?”
Blasto explained that they had left the disk and entered the Galaxy’s halo where the Red Giants lurked. “Wait a minute, Blasto!,” cried Galaxy Man. “They can’t have haloes - they’re bad guys. They have to wear black hats or nothing! No substitutes! Maybe they’re impersonating angels! I wouldn’t put it past those evil monsters! Full throttle to Ramming Speed, Blasto!,” shrieked Galaxy Man who was now totally out of control.
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Blasto was a bit worried. If Galaxy Man really did ram a Red Giant star, they could kiss their computers goodbye. First, they would fry in its atmosphere, then they would be crushed in its interior like they had fallen into a trash compactor. But if Blasto was to reveal the truth: that Red Giants are stars, not attacking monsters, it might send Galaxy Man into robotic shock, a form of electronic gridlock. |
 |
“This wacko should chill out", muttered Blasto absentmindedly. "What!? did you call me a wacko, Blasto!?", screamed a very tense captain. "No, No, Sir," said Blasto quickly. "I said that 'this attack should thrill us', but I..., um..., would recommend against ramming those Red Giants you see ahead. You see, like, they are hundreds of thousands of miles tall. They weigh about 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 pounds, and their intense gravitational fields would crush us like a flea in the jaws of a Tyrannosauras Rex, not to mention that we would be vaporized in their fiery outer layers before we even got part way inside!”
“Blasto, my trusted assistant!,” said Galaxy Man gravely, “our Galaxy needs us! We must not chicken-out just because these giants are bigger than us! Maybe we could fire nukes from far away!?”
“Captain, my Captain,” replied Blasto, “a Red Giant could suck up 1,000 A-bombs like they were humongous Tic-Tacs, and not even burp.” An extremely unusual expression came over Galaxy Man’s head-unit. After a moment of being unable to speak, he uttered these immortal words. “Blasto, I have had an IDEA! Why don’t we pull a diversionary trick on them! Yes, that’s it! We buzz around the red giants, get them angry, and make them chase us! We zip out of the Galaxy with those monsters following! We lead the Red Giants to some galaxy we don’t like and then conveniently disappear into one of those interstellar cloud things! They get lost and are too dumb to find their way back! We return home as heros! Do you hear me, Blasto!? Heroes!! Saviors of our Galaxy!!!”
Blasto stared in wonder at Galaxy Man’s awesome display of putting several thoughts together at one time, but at this point he decided that the moment of truth had arrived. The Pupa was whizzing through the halo at nearly light-speed and beautiful red stars could be seen in all directions. Galaxy Man’s plan would surely end in instant incineration for the Pupa and its crew.
“Captain, Sir,” began Blasto, “there is something we need to talk about. I guess we have been a little busy lately - you know, with the mission and all. But to come straight to the point, Sir: Red Giants are stars.” “RUBBISH!, Blasto!,” exclaimed Galaxy Man. “Those who would invade an innocent galaxy and hurt little moons can never be stars. When we drive these evil monsters away from our cherished Galaxy, then we shall be the stars!”
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Taking a deep breath and looking Galaxy Man |
“Look at it this way,” said Blasto cheerily, “We didn’t win our battle, but we did not lose it either. It was sort of more like a tie, and you deserve all the bla..., I mean, credit, Sir". At this, Galaxy Man stood up straighter and even began to look a bit proud. “Indeed Blasto! Our record remains almost unblemished! We are still undefeated! A record of 1 win, 0 losses and 53 ties is worth celebrating! Unbeaten! UNSCORED UPON! UNBELIEVABLE!”
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“Break out the dog biscuits and I’ll plug into the electric socket for some extra juice. We’ve done the impossible, Blasto. YEEE-HAAAAA!” |
squarely in
the eye, Blasto said, “I am not speaking euphemistically, Sir. I’m
not saying that they are celebrities. I’m saying that they are S-T-A-R-S,
as in big balls of gas with nuclear fusion going on inside.” Galaxy
Man stood silently for a moment; he looked at Blasto as if his trusted
assistant had made a rude noise at an Intergalactic Council Meeting. But
gradually, as Blasto stared back without flinching, Galaxy Man began to
get the message. “But-But-But, Blasto,” whispered the Kosmic
Klutz, “our mission, our mission to save the Galaxy. Why did we...,
I mean, who decided... ah... ? Oh, dear” And then Galaxy Man bowed
his head.